Failure

Today, I have failed!!! Okay, okay, maybe Failed is a strong word. I fell short of my goal, I fell short of completing the Week 4 Day 1 workout!! I quit the last run 3 minutes early!!!
Maybe part of it was that I already had a defeatist attitude before I started this Week. Maybe I let self doubt get in there again. Maybe my lungs are just not capable of handling this week yet. Maybe I've eaten way too much crap the last few days.  Maybe I have not been drinking enough water. OR maybe it was all of these things combined!!! Either way, I didn't finish. Strangely, I am not feeling like beating myself up over it!! I kept walking, in fact, I walked extra. .75miles extra!! I know it's not the same as running for 3 minutes, but it's honestly all I had in me today. I was light headed, my heart rate was crazy high, I was gasping for air, and I had a cramp in my side. Could I run through it, NO! I did all the rest of the jogs. 3 minutes, 5 minutes, 3 minutes, and then on the final 5 minute - I just went 2 minutes. I honestly feel like I did the best I was capable of doing today. Am I proud, NO. Am I ashamed, NO. Sometimes things just are, what they are. And when you can do better, you will. Until then, I live with this!!!

And here I come with the funny music analogy...
As I was walking the last .75miles of shame, I was feeling a bit bad about quitting. I knew if I could just call Maddy she would make me feel better about it.  She is always encouraging me to keep going, reassuring me I can do this thing, that it just takes time and patience. But I couldn't call her, I was walking {and panting and gasping for air} so I went for the next best thing... my sons voice!! I looked in my iPhone and found the music from a band he used to be in, called In Existence {they were an awesome teenage, garage band!} and turned it on.  It wasn't a great recording, but the songs, and the voice are the important thing, at this exact moment!! As, I keep saying, inspiration can be found in any song, weather or not the lyrics apply, you can make them apply. And this song is another perfect example. I know what this song was written about, and it's not me or my soul, but that's how I let it speak to me today...

Plunge Into Darkness

Follow me into the murky depths
Into a hole full of gold
forsaken for once more
Yet a small set of beads full of life
set the standards to dig for more

For the colors were so bright
and set a guiding light
full of new adventure
to find something in spite

Plunge Into Darkness
one more time
Only to find the colors that shine
for the hole is full of something
but something feels like nothing
And the hole will be left alone
for the colors will unlock the door


And so today my sons words, {written long ago{at age 15}about something entirely different than me, in this moment} inspire me to believe that my soul was full of something, even if right now it feels like nothing. And that the colors that shine there will unlock this door, I just gotta dig in the murky depths, where my colors are bright, and they set a guiding light and find the gold!! See how I did that!!! Give me any song and I can make it about something else entirely!!! Its a strange sort of skill. Too bad I don't possess a skill that could make me rich instead of making people think I'm crazy!! Maybe I am crazy, but hey it's working for me!!!!

It's strange how much my kids inspire me and motivate me. It's funny how, I may never have been able to do this for myself but I can do it for them/with them, maybe becuz they are far more important to me, than me, and I have/will always do everything I can to NOT let them down. To NOT disappoint them. Either way I am sooo thankful for them and their words of encouragement with this stupid ass walk/run!!!

I will be back in the gym Thursday, on schedule, and I will try again!! I will NOT go back to Week3. I will continue forward, slowly, at a tortoise pace, but I will make it ~with my headphones, in my ears, rockin'!!!